Do you work with someone who is abrasive or demonstrates bullying behaviors such as yelling, humiliating, sabotaging, judging, and all around making your life miserable? If so, then you are at risk for learning and adopting those same behaviors and using them on yourself and others. In other words you can develop a habit of carrying that bully around with you INSIDE YOU, in your HEAD. 

Being exposed to bullying behavior is so powerful that I, a seasoned professional have to be continuously aware of the spread of abrasive thinking and behaviors. If, as a trained coach committed to dealing with abrasive people and helping them improve their lives, I have trouble, then it makes perfect sense that most people exposed to abrasive behaviors trained would have to be aware of the risks of exposure. 

Internalized Abrasive and Bullying Behaviors 

How do you know you have a Bullying Residing Inside You?

Look for

• Self-Judgment
• Self-Criticism
• Extreme elf-Doubt
• Defensiveness
• Stone-walling
• Focusing on what’s always wrong instead of what might be okay or right
• Self-sabotaging thinking

If you used to be strong, confident, powerful, and self-assured and now, because you’ve been exposed to abrasive and bullying behaviors you’ve lost your direction and confidence, then for sure you have internalized a bully. 

Examples of Abrasive and Bullying Messages you might send to yourself:

1. Your thoughts are judging your behaviors ‘Why didn’t I say …?’ ‘I’m so stupid. I should have…’
2. You expect perfection and any mistake is an opportunity to condemn
3. You wake in the night worrying about your own performance and your repetitive message is ‘I can’t, I’m not good enough…’
4. You convince yourself that you cannot stand up to abrasive/bullying behaviors so you give up and become more and more resentful, quiet and defeated. 

The risk of internalizing bullying type behavior is so great that it’s a 100% GOOD REASON to avoid those abrasive people. If you cannot avoid them, then develop some coping skills and a plan of action to take back your life. 

Some helpful books:

William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No & Getting to Yes for negotiation tips 

Tom Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work for help on identifying those judgment, defensive, criticism and stone-walling behaviors 

Richard David Carson Taming Your Gremlin for more on Self-Sabotaging thinking 

Available here. 

Helpful Tele-seminar

Confidence Connections is hosting another tele-seminar on this topic at the end of September. Contact us for notification of class registration.

Maybe I’m dating myself but I am thinking about a very popular Connie Francis song from the ‘60s. She’s done ‘em wrong and she’s repentant. How refreshing. These days most apologies lack repentance. In fact they’re not apologies at all. They resentments and judgments couched in apology terms. Here’s a great article on apologies by Vivian Scott. Scott’s a mediator and author and has a good perspective on the whole apology thing. After all, in most conflict and mediation situations people who feel wronged want 2 things:

Stop the Behavior

Apologize

Both things have to happen and be genuine or else…

“I’m Sorry You’re Such A Crybaby” Isn’t Really An Apology

For a great book on how to apologize read:

The 5 Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman

People who are bullying or are abrasive are frightened. Shouting, tantrums, threatening, and punishing behaviors are fear-based behaviors*. So, if you want to talk with an abrasive person, then you have to know what they’re afraid of and defuse those fears to increase trust and decrease tension. 

While it’s neither fair nor right for the target of abrasive behavior to have to do the work of decreasing tension and building trust, nor is it fair or right for the target to be burdened with stopping abrasive and bullying behaviors, it is a fact of our lives and the more tools the more opportunities to improve life. 

Interestingly, the same knowledge and skills required for successful selling can help identify what people are afraid of and what can be done to increase trust. 

Uncovering what makes people afraid: 

Jim Cathcart, author of Relationship Selling** and a leading research psychologist studies behavioral styles. He determined there are four basic behavioral styles based on two continuums: 1-how direct people are and 2-how open people are. He combines these to identify 4 basic behavioral styles and then identifies the characteristics associated with each style. 

Why is this so important when crafting a conversation with an abrasive person or a bully? Well, because if you know what increases fear and tension YOU can connect in a way that is empathetic and avoids fear triggers and increases trust. 

Styles 1 & 2: Task-Oriented & Self-contained: 

1. The ‘Dominant Director’ – is Self-contained (not open) but Direct. This person is fast/decisive, fears loss of control, will dictate when tense. He values productivity, gains security when in control, wants to be successful, needs you to support his goals, is practical, needs to be in charge, and once he’s made a decision, that’s it. 

2. The ‘Cautious Thinker’ – is Self-contained (not open) and Indirect. This person is systematic, fears embarrassment will avoid when tense. To gain their trust you have to be prepared, credible, supportive and precise. Cautious thinkers don’t like surprises and measure worth through accuracy and productivity. 

Styles 3 & 4: Relationship oriented & Open: 

3. The ‘Steady Relater’ – is Open but Indirect. This person is slow but easy, fears confrontation will acquiesce when tense, seeks attention, wants connection, is a conformist, wants to be liked and makes considered decisions. 

4. The ‘Interactive Socializer’ – is Open and Direct. This person is spontaneous, relationship oriented, fears loss of prestige, is sarcastic and attacking when tense, seeks recognition and status, wants to be admired and makes spontaneous decisions. 

Applying this model: 

Say you want to talk to an abrasive person who is the ‘Dominant Director’. Dominant Directors fear loss of control, are dictators and value productivity and success. Focus on and supporting their goals, frame your conversations based on goals and productivity, be practical and remind them they’re in charge, avoid arguing about their final decisions – final decisions are final. They will respond to accomplishments and respect those who like competition and focus on the win. But, since they are hard-pressed to change their mind once a decision is made, it will be difficult if they have decided you should be their target. 

How about the ‘Interactive Socializer’: Interactive socializers have a self-perception of being open and easy to get along with, when you cross them they will be sarcastic, you’ll have to be flexible with them support their status, be stimulating and admiring. Be sure to acknowledge their accomplishments and compliment them. If you are disingenuous, they will know it and attack you. You have a better chance of changing their opinion of you so meet all deadlines, support your ideas with documentation and be patient while they decide. 

Remember no system for understanding human behavior is foolproof but if you can determine someone’s type based on the Cathcart scale, you have some real information to use when crafting your relationship with an abrasive person. It’s very powerful to create a productive relationship and calm the fears of another and especially so when it comes to working with an abrasive person. Finally notice who gets along with the abrasive person and you’ll see this model in action. 

For more information on handling abrasive people, contact Confidence Connections @ http://www.confidenceconnections.com or http://www.abrasivemanagers.com 

*Of course, some bullying is instrumental (wherein someone’s trying to WIN through destruction) but this advice isn’t for the instrumental bullying scenario. 

*For more information on Cathcart’s model and more details about the 4 behavior styles read: Cathcart, J. 1990. Relationship Selling: The Key to Getting and Keeping Customers

Transforming a Dysfunctional Collection of Individuals Into a Functional Team
Any executive coach who addresses the issue of dysfunctional teams and workplace bullying will agree that competition is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, healthy competition is a great motivator; on the other hand it can digress into unhealthy and unproductive conflict. And, when conflict escalates as a result of abrasive intimidating or even bullying behavior, or stonewalling and gossip/back-stabbing, then any benefit that might have been gained by competition is lost.

However, many managers are loath to confront negative behavior for fear of creating more problems and delaying projects. This conflict avoidance is common but unhelpful. Soon the conflict is overriding productivity and failure is inevitable.

Here is a solution that indirectly addresses the conflict by putting the emphasis on the structure of the team by clarifying goals and holding everyone accountable.

This simple SIX-step process can be used to expose and eliminate structural problems, and return a dysfunctional team to a healthy stasis:

Step 1: CLARIFY GOALS AND STRATEGIC ACTIONS

• Develop concrete, measurable, and achievable goals

Step 2: UNCOVER THE PROBLEMS

• False assumptions about the project and the team
• Lack of commitment or belief in the project
• Real reasons persons are not following through
• If meetings are ‘safe’ so that everyone can contribute

Step 3: STRUCTURE AN INTERVENTION

• Clear the air. Have a facilitator provide a safe environment where people can reveal their hostilities and share their feelings

Step 4: RESET THE TEAM

• Remove any and all members who have shown that they cannot work within a team structure. This will demonstrate commitment to a safe and trusting environment where all team members are free to speak openly
• Assign duties based on strengths of each member rather than who volunteers to do any specific task
• Appoint a team leader, give them the responsibility of holding members accountable, and empower them to make any changes necessary to achieve the collective goals
• Assign tasks with deliverables, dates, and consequences

Step 5: HOLD EVERYONE ACCOUNTABILITY

• Schedule regular meetings in which 100% team participation is mandatory
• Review goals and assignments at each meeting
Have each member provide a progress report – No exceptions.
• Challenge the team to commit to the goals and to each other by holding one another accountable
• Hold each member accountable but avoid public humiliation or intimidation as more abrasiveness will not inspire commitment or accountability
• Assign next tasks

Step 6: REPEAT step 5
Final words on leading teams without bullying or abrasive behaviors:

It’s nice to think that everyone will have the same vested interests in a team’s success but internal competition, conflicting assumptions and unclear clear goals can lead to abrasive or bullying type behaviors, conflict and failure.

When leaders expect top performance from everyone but have uncooperative or even antagonistic employees, the simplest first step is to clarify the structure of assignments and responsibilities. That is what this tool is designed to do for leaders.

The bottom line is, team leaders must be prepared for dysfunctional teams and conflicts but help is near.

Dear Readers:

As a member of the Boss Whispering Institute and one who uses Boss Whispering methods, I am posting a LinkedIn comment to why using Mediation in abrasive/bullying situations is less than ideal.

For more information on Boss Whispering, you can contact me directly at Kathleen@AbrasiveManagers.com.

Laura Crawshaw, the founder of the Boss Whispering method, posted this notice:

“In listening to mediators, I have developed a concept of how mediation is enacted in situations where an employee alleges bullying. The steps seem to be as follows:

1. The employee (usually a subordinate) brings a complaint of being treated unacceptably.
2. The organization then calls for a mediation between boss and employee
3. It is the expectation that boss and employee should find a way to interact that is mutually agreeable so that no further complaints of unacceptable treatment occur.

If this is the case, I consider the employer (higher management) to be grossly negligent in abdicating their responsibility to provide a psychologically safe working environment. Let us momentarily propose that the boss is in fact engaging in bullying behavior. Why should the employee be expected to “resolve” this situation, engaging in the very threatening process of confronting their superior and struggling to “negotiate” an acceptable mode of interpersonal conduct with their boss? Where is management or HR in all of this? Is it not THEIR responsibility to investigate the complaint and make THEIR determination, and if bullying is discovered, set limits and consequences for the superior’s unacceptable workplace conduct (and hopefully offer Boss Whispering) to the abrasive individual? I work with organizations that do this all the time. They consider it their responsibility to maintain a respectful work environment, and when they hire someone who they later discover behaves abrasively, or promote someone who manifests abrasive behavior in their new role as a manager, they look into it immediately. This consists of interviewing the individual’s coworkers at all levels (including the complainant) to see if they have observed destructive interpersonal interactions. If this proves to be the case, management informs the individual that they will not tolerate such behavior, and that unless the individual remediates their management style, they will not be tolerated. They also offer Boss Whispering to help, as most abrasive managers are blind to the impact of their conduct and don’t know how to manage in a more positive manner.

I flinch at the recommendation that targets of bullying should be provided pre-mediation coaching so that they can, essentially, enter the David and Goliath arena of attempting to mediate with an abrasive boss. Perhaps they should also be given lessons in psychology to deal with the characteristic defensiveness of abrasive bosses, as well as stress management sessions to endure the ordeal. Perhaps there should also be an option for outlplacemet counseling if the boss’s defensiveness transates into future aggression.

Finally, I have found that a boss who engages in bullying behaviors will only fully acknowledge the results of his or her bullying and move to change IF the organization sets limits and consequences. These are the only kinds of referrals that Boss Whisperers will accept, for we learned long ago of the futility of a coach (or coworker) trying to convince an abrasive boss to change. Forgive my overheated ramblings – I write about this more coherently in my book, Taming the Abrasive Manager: How to End Unnecessary Roughness in the Workplace (2007, Jossey-Bass.)

Sincerely,

Laura Crawshaw, Ph.D
The Boss Whisperer”

Stalking, rape, assault, ‘going postal’ and any threats of violence are serious and must be treated as such.

Threat assessment and management are beyond the scope of Confidence Connections.

Most companies have a threat management policy in place. If you feel threatened or have been threatened, take immediate action.

Contact everyone and anyone who can help you.

Do not spend time on this website, do not pass go, do not hesitate, do not think that a threat of violence isn’t serious, because it is.

Do NOT apply a Threat Assessment Model to your situation and draw your own conclusions. Threats require professional evaluations. You are NOT a professional threat assessor, neither is your coach, or therapist, or doctor. Trust me! Get help and protection.

A National Resource to help you:

ATAP: Association of Threat Assessment Professionals

The Association of Threat Assessment Professionals (ATAP) was founded in 1992 as a non-profit organization comprised of law enforcement, prosecutors, mental health professionals, corporate security experts, probation and parole personnel and others involved in the area of threat and violence risk assessment. The purpose of ATAP is to afford its members a professional and educational environment to exchange ideas and strategies to address such issues as stalking, threats, and homeland security. The primary focus of this organization is to provide the necessary knowledge, tools, and support to better prepare our membership to handle these types of situations. Our commitment is to expertly address these issues through seminars and training and networking with other professionals working in this field.

Great Articles on Threats and Threat Assessment: Click Here

20^th Annual Threat Management Conference: Click Here

There are other resources, find them!!!!

Think:

Police

Restraining Orders

Shelters

Workplace Security Officers

If you are building a work team – think about this:

‘Work groups that have too many star employees can curtail a company’s effectiveness. Managers should curb their desire to hire numerous high-status employees; in so doing, they will help ensure greater collaboration and fewer ego-driven conflicts among team members.’  This is according to

Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth: How High Status Individuals Decrease Group Effectiveness (read the full article here)
Authors: Boris Groysberg, Jeffrey T. Polzer, and Hillary Anger Elfenbein
Publication:  Organization Science (forthcoming)

I wonder how this will impact the HEAT basketball team which is replete with high-status, extremely well paid, mavericks.

It is clearly in evidence when looking at escalating bullying type behaviors. The more threatened leaders feel the more abrasive and aggressive they become-competition is in the blood and in the brain. How do you calm down your ‘super-stars’?

I agree with the Workplace Bullying Institute that mediation is not a tool that works well, if at all, in bullying type of problems. Why? Because there is either an implicit or explicit power differential. That is either the aggressor is using emotional abuse or structural power to overtake the target. Those conditions don’t disappear when a mediator arrives. Mediation implies that both parties are wrong and there is something to settle between the two parties. But workplace aggression isn’t about misunderstandings or mutual blame or settling a financial dispute. Workplace aggression is a complex combination of psychological factors, structural conditions, and power differences. A good executive coach who is skilled at handling aggression among people can sort through the circumstances and offer solutions. Be sure the coach is sophisticated enough to make referrals for psychological counseling, where needed, is able to uncover the structural problems (corporate culture and mores, quality of supervision, degree of accountability on both performance and behavior, team functionality, etc.) and then propose strategies to fix them.

Workplace aggression is more than a simple mis-understanding, and more complicated than a simple power differential.

Here’s more info and insights into workplace conflict, aggression and bullying and whether or not mediation helps: Workplace Bullying Institute

Here’s an interesting article from the Chronicle of Higher Education on bullying in academia.

Researchers are proposing mediation for bullying situations even though the research shows overwhelmingly that mediation doesn’t work. That’s been my experience too. What does work are strong and enforced rules prohibiting bullying, great coaching for bullies and their managers, improved supervision and insights to the plethora of causes of bullying and abrasive behaviors.

Read the article, and the comments for different perspectives on bullying issues:

Workplace Mediators Seek a Role in Taming Faculty Bullies

From my perspective, and maybe this is heresy, but negotiations are lose/lose propositions. You’re both giving things up. If you’re lucky, you’ll give up what is least important to you and hold on to what’s most important. And that brings us to point two of this report: Know what your CounterPoint wants! This is great advice, however, when you’re dealing with a bully, you cannot predict what the bully wants. You can assume he/she wants power, control, to win, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes the bully’s aggression comes from fear of the unknown, fear of failure, frustration from poor communication skills, or the habit of making all priorities have the same weight so everything is urgent or important and therefore, the bully cannot determine where to give and where to hold firm. If the bully doesn’t know, you can’t predict. You can make some assumptions but you could easily miss the mark. 

Read More…